I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
