i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
