My liver just broke up with me...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
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I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
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Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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