I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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