Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
