i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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