You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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