We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
