so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment