dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
