how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
