ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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