he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
