She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
