just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
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I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
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Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
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