I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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