Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
