making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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