Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
