I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
