You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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