He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
