this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Floor bacon is actually really good
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
