My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I have post one night stand depression
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
