Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
