She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Randomize
