I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
