FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
