why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
