Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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