You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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