I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
