I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
should my penis look like a turkey
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
