Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
