That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
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You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
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My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
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