I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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