I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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