mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I need a beard to bite.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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