yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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