I'm pants shitting drunk right now
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
