perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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