the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
