I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
