It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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