It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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