no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I need a burrito and a hug.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Randomize
