I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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