Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i scared a bird with my dick
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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