You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
