Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
