I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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