Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
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