The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
