how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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