Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
