The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
