Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
