Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
