I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Randomize
